as & when…

i think i need to list down, how compatible they are.. then maybe, i will wake up and get myself out of this addiction that i have of him..

they both love the same type of cars, they are both sports people, they are both positive and always happy, they are both in the same team, they both like the same things, they can finish each other’s sentences now…

crap, i cant do this man… it hurts even more, when all i have is just my thinking that he still loves me….hoping against all hopes that he still does….

yup, it finally did happened… the thing i feared…

something is so not right…it was like there was this gap between us…. i just seriously, don udnerstand what the hell is going on now… whta has happened to make it change so fast… it’s like strangers… and now we are behaving like we don’t even know each other…. wat rubbish man…

seriously, if this goes on any longer, i feel like thrashing his head… break it and force the truth out.. mother fucker… he must have done something really wrong… i seriously am wodnering what the hell is he up to….

no more playing games with me…. mother fucker…

i was hoping that i was wrong, but i was right… he is still messaging her now… when she came in, he din say anything to her… pretending to be using his phone… and then now, in privacy of the messaging system, he is talking to her… he must be consoling her…. i thought he was gonna msg me, asking me for a drink maybe, or at least to tell whether dinner might be on or not… but it doesn’t seem like it… i guess it’s time i learn something… that i am the past… and he’s smiling really happily… i canot take this, i need to get out of here before i start to cry infront of him… it’s really hurting like hell….

i think i just realise that the conversation that i thought was so short, actually started like way before hand… and it continued to work…. how can i be so naive? how could i have thought that after all that has happened, that this would not happened AGAIN? how could he? how could he be the man that he is? no wonder he was like worried that i would read his sms… he has been messaging her… i guess it would be at the same timing, 9+pm…. and here, i naively thought that it was all about work… nope, it’s not.. clearly, the one just now was not… merajuk about lunch is so not about work… and i know, she did not start it first… it was from him…i guess that when he replied her sms, he told her that he merajuk… how can he tell me that he’s not trying anything?how can he???

this is rather embarassing… all these while i have been asking him if he will be upset if i were to leave him, and he always say of course he will… and he said that he canot survive without me…clearly, i have been duped… i tot reverse physchology will work but no… normally when i talk to him, he will ignore my existence… so, i tried the same to him just now, and it did not bother him one bit… all he just did was to talk to the other guy…. wat the fuck…

then i thought he was busy doing work, but it turns out, he was actually talking to her…. the other her… he was being flirty with her….! double fuck… he pretended to be upset… wat the hell… and he’s telling me, he just wants to be friends… gosh, how can i be so naive? how can i be so gullible to his words…

and why is that these men always lie to me…. what kind of a human are they? what kind of a human is he? and i have been putting in so much effort for the past 6 years… it was actually for nothing… he cheated me…. i hate him….

damn it… i was so not expecting something there.. i mean, seriously, i was hoping that it will not show the number and yet,it appears on two occasion….both at 9+pm… it’s seriously rather annoying… hurtful… 4 messages continuously…and 3 calls the next morning… what the… he said it was during the game… for the game.. but does he need to call her continuously for 3 times at 6+??? and i had the “honour” of waking him up tat morning…

it’s just sucky to “feel” like as though i woke him up is just so that he can wake her up.. what the ….and his concern for her seems rather too much… making sure that she was awake for the game, then making sure that she will be going, then making sure of how she’s gonna be going…. is it necessary to do all these for somebody that he just wants to “berkawan sahaja”?

messages at 9+ pm…. man, seriously… and the game… so many messages the nite before, calls on the day itself… and the attention… the most “loyal” attentions provided during the game itself… i feel like kicking him in the balls…

and they have the nerve to say that women are too sensitive….. it’s all their doing isn’t it? they behave suspiciously and of course we will retaliate in giving them our “opinion”!! aarrrggghhhh!!!! irritating!  ughh…. and he dares to say it’s nothing…. i have not seen him so concern about my “attendance” before…

he needs to learn a lesson…..

it was rather recent, that everything was just nice… and here comes along a “person” to have it all gone again…it was nice to have someone so love u….. it’s really hard to see it all gone in a day… all his stupid attentions during the game was really hurtful… “nothing going on” he says and yet, he was by her side the whole entire time…y is the women he is attracted to are all the same? those that knows how to treat a man right… wat the…. i seriously would love to know, to wat extent is his so called love for me… it’s definitely clear about the “dont call me part”…the “stay away” gesture is pretty obvious..”me first and for the best” will always be practiced…. hmm… seems like i am no where even near the “we are good friends” stand…. i am just a carpet to be stepped on, and changed when in comes a new one…

typical women he likes… gosh…i should have seen it c0ming.. it’s pretty stupid of me not to notice it the second time…so typical.. all started out being like “that”.. then moving on to the “tears” and the “pitiful” looks… and here comes him as the damn hero to save the day…. wat the….

it’s pretty sucky for things to happen as they do..and for me not to react towards it…i mean, how can i not feel anything, and pretend that everything is as it is, if i know that the person is like always “there”? he always attracts the trouble to himself, all under the pretence of being “friends” only… it’s fucking irritating to me, cause i have been patient for 6 years, all in the name of love… disrespectful to me… wat the hell….

i told him already, if he gives the access, there’s bound to be more contact.. and it did happened… first, under the cover of work, now, getting a little bit more casual.. then wat next?? personal and wat else?!!! it’s fucking hard to get us to where we are now… and yet, he’s not appreciating it! y is it that i feel like he’s just “layaning” me now? what happened to all the “my other half”, “let’s get married”, “can’t stand another day without seeing u” etc…? all bullshit… he doesn’t seem to appreciate the fact that it wasn’t easy getting to here… to now… of course, how can i forget, it was never his intention in the first to get to where we are now.. he never wanted it isn’t it… no wonder he doesn’t appreciate it… 

a little attention from the ladies, and he’s all gung-ho… wat the hell… so fucking pissed off with him… i am sure that her questions were pretty normal, but i can bet that his fucking reply would be an invitation to her to talk more… maybe a simple question of “eh, u are at work today?” might get a reply like “of course i am, to help u in anything that u need”…. such a show of gentlemanliness is so not required….

y can’t he just learn? doesn’t he understand how hurtful it is to have ur heart disappointed, again and again? i have seen him hurt…. and i tot it will be a lesson for him to learn… but now, i wonder if he has forgotten it…

please lah… don hurt others.. ass…