yeah, tat is what i am feeling right now…. he is with her right now… that’s what he claims… but nobody knows whether is it the legal one or the other one… i don’t know what i want from him… i guess i am hoping that he will be available to accompany me when i need it… like right now… i did ask him to go for a movie today, but he wasn’t very keen on it… it was like as though he knew that he wasn’t going to be free today… but yet, he said that she is working today…. did he plan something, with someone else today? he said he’s dating… i wouldn’t know with whom is he dating with isn’t it? it could be the illegal one… i have seen him tell lies so easily to the legal one… what more to me? is he really with her, or the other one??? will he lie to me? i guess i would know one of these days… i always do…

why can’t i have a man who treats me well like him? who knows me enough and still loves me (this is what he claims, but i want to believe it as well…)… what have i done to be feeling sad all the time? am i such a bad person to be getting all these sad things?

i like the way he treats me… the way he knows how to make me feel special… why is it that he has to be taken? why do i always lose to those who are gedik? he used to let me know where he is before hand and everything, but now, he has been witholding alot of things from me lately… and i don’t know why… what have i done wrong?

all these while, i have been wanting him… but when i think about marriage to him, i don’t know why but i don’t think of it with him… it’s like i am letting it happened naturally… and hoping that it will happen naturally, without any intervention of my own desires…

i don’t know what i am doing, i just hope i can get out of it soon…i don’t want to lose him… i love him more than i have ever loved anyone… it’s not that i can live with him.. i just know that i can’t live without him…

it all began rather not very well…there was still some adnimosity between us… this is the first time i refuse to apologise for something that i still believe is true…. though, there wasn’t a request from him to insist on an apology.. lunch was horrible… i seriously do not have the appetite to eat… anything eaten tastes horrible and so not digestible…every food today sucks…

anyway, waht happened during lunch was pretty predictable in my thoughts…whenever i was hungry, or rushing to eat, he wouldn’t give 2 hoots about it till i am about to bleed to death….then today, he was rushing us to quickly go eat with her… then i tried, to see, whether he will walk next to me, or he was gonna walk next to her… and he did just that… he walked next to her all the way… wonderful….

then at the restaurant, i seriously thought that he would sit next to me.. but no, he went to sit next to her… wat the fuck… and he chose to sit so close to her, it’s disgusting…. i wonder if their legs did touch during the makan….. and after makan, can see his hand was always at the bottom… i wonder if he was touching her legs like how he normally do to me…..it was so sad… he was so close to her, always answering her conversation… always talking to one another…

it felt like they were the couple…. i wonder what has happened to us…. just because of the big boobs and i was pushed aside? what has become of the morality, his so called love for me…? has it all gone, just because?

oh man… another latest… she just popped her head in, to ask about work… i could see him from the corner of my eyes, like expecting her to talk to him… wat does he want from him? even during the walk, he kept on looking at her when they were talking, he has never done that to me… and she’s like always calling him to confirm even the tiniest things and they always can talk so much, and he will always be laughing and happy when she calls….

he’s behaving exactly like how it was when he was so shy with me, 6 years ago…. he was like trying so hard to impress me tat time, and tat’s exactly wat he’s doing right now….y is he trying to impress her if he’s not up to anything?do friend’s need to impress one another?y is tat wat he does are contradicting to what he tells me? is he up to something? bastard fucker…

to think that i was smitten with his “declaration” just a few hours ago.. how dense can i be?? we are fools when it comes to feelings… so easily conned…ugghhh… hates…

i feel so silly…. just now i was in such a good mood… happily putting aside my morning sadness… unfortunately, i was fooled… the biggest crush was happening behind the scenes, which will upset me for a very, very long time…he use to say that 8am to 5.30pm was mine…. but no, it was filled with so many others…. then he said ip was mine… and now, tat is no longer applicable either….seems like everyday will bring me new discovery of the limit that i am beginning to have with him… is he doing this conciusly? or is this a sign of some sort to say that it’s about to end soon?

y is it tat, when he needs me the most, i make sure that i am there for him, but after that, all of them will suddenly come in between us? do i have finish my share of it? is it time to move on and pass on?

i don have any more private moments…. it’s all filled, one by one with all these ppl… these characters, that are still a question mark to their motives… their ideas.. their wants…. have i put too much of myself in this already?was i naive in thinking that it will be as it is….? he might tell me tat it will be the same as it is… but how can i handle the fact now that there is another there… just a slight distance by the highway… and nearer still via the network….

he says i am making simple thing complicated… is it really? or is he the one who made a good thing bad? he’s always filled with being good to others… wat has happened to being good to those around u first?  

i have always prepared myself for the worse, but i dunno wat and how i would feel, after all the effort to get to where we are, is destroyed, by his little so called act of kindness…. how and wat should i do, if i see the ip? it’s like so much easier for her to find him now…. it’s scary….

another sleepless nite for me then….

yup….had a tough day today… it feels like history repeating itself..and yet i canot do anything about it..and this is what makes it feel most horrible….its not a very nice feeling, to know that they have access to one another…talking and chatting… and i will never know… i will never see wat their conversation is about.. and then, when we sit together, then i will hear it coming from her, and it will hurt me so….

y doesnt he know “prevention is better than cure” ? courting trouble tats wat i think it is…