as & when…

yeah, tat is what i am feeling right now…. he is with her right now… that’s what he claims… but nobody knows whether is it the legal one or the other one… i don’t know what i want from him… i guess i am hoping that he will be available to accompany me when i need it… like right now… i did ask him to go for a movie today, but he wasn’t very keen on it… it was like as though he knew that he wasn’t going to be free today… but yet, he said that she is working today…. did he plan something, with someone else today? he said he’s dating… i wouldn’t know with whom is he dating with isn’t it? it could be the illegal one… i have seen him tell lies so easily to the legal one… what more to me? is he really with her, or the other one??? will he lie to me? i guess i would know one of these days… i always do…

why can’t i have a man who treats me well like him? who knows me enough and still loves me (this is what he claims, but i want to believe it as well…)… what have i done to be feeling sad all the time? am i such a bad person to be getting all these sad things?

i like the way he treats me… the way he knows how to make me feel special… why is it that he has to be taken? why do i always lose to those who are gedik? he used to let me know where he is before hand and everything, but now, he has been witholding alot of things from me lately… and i don’t know why… what have i done wrong?

all these while, i have been wanting him… but when i think about marriage to him, i don’t know why but i don’t think of it with him… it’s like i am letting it happened naturally… and hoping that it will happen naturally, without any intervention of my own desires…

i don’t know what i am doing, i just hope i can get out of it soon…i don’t want to lose him… i love him more than i have ever loved anyone… it’s not that i can live with him.. i just know that i can’t live without him…