as & when…

being positive… is it faking it? or really feeling it? really true that u can be positive all the time? wouldnt there be a time when u are down? but i know u are faking it… arent u tired? i can feel u hate my guts… i can feel u despise having to talk to me… and yet, u pretend that all is well between us… i dont like u… i don like u for the fact that u took him away… i dont like u for pretending to be my fren…. i dont like u one bit… but it doesnt matter… cause there isnt anyone else who despise u… everyone loves u…. i guess its just me… lucky u…

yeah, tat is what i am feeling right now…. he is with her right now… that’s what he claims… but nobody knows whether is it the legal one or the other one… i don’t know what i want from him… i guess i am hoping that he will be available to accompany me when i need it… like right now… i did ask him to go for a movie today, but he wasn’t very keen on it… it was like as though he knew that he wasn’t going to be free today… but yet, he said that she is working today…. did he plan something, with someone else today? he said he’s dating… i wouldn’t know with whom is he dating with isn’t it? it could be the illegal one… i have seen him tell lies so easily to the legal one… what more to me? is he really with her, or the other one??? will he lie to me? i guess i would know one of these days… i always do…

why can’t i have a man who treats me well like him? who knows me enough and still loves me (this is what he claims, but i want to believe it as well…)… what have i done to be feeling sad all the time? am i such a bad person to be getting all these sad things?

i like the way he treats me… the way he knows how to make me feel special… why is it that he has to be taken? why do i always lose to those who are gedik? he used to let me know where he is before hand and everything, but now, he has been witholding alot of things from me lately… and i don’t know why… what have i done wrong?

all these while, i have been wanting him… but when i think about marriage to him, i don’t know why but i don’t think of it with him… it’s like i am letting it happened naturally… and hoping that it will happen naturally, without any intervention of my own desires…

i don’t know what i am doing, i just hope i can get out of it soon…i don’t want to lose him… i love him more than i have ever loved anyone… it’s not that i can live with him.. i just know that i can’t live without him…

it all began rather not very well…there was still some adnimosity between us… this is the first time i refuse to apologise for something that i still believe is true…. though, there wasn’t a request from him to insist on an apology.. lunch was horrible… i seriously do not have the appetite to eat… anything eaten tastes horrible and so not digestible…every food today sucks…

anyway, waht happened during lunch was pretty predictable in my thoughts…whenever i was hungry, or rushing to eat, he wouldn’t give 2 hoots about it till i am about to bleed to death….then today, he was rushing us to quickly go eat with her… then i tried, to see, whether he will walk next to me, or he was gonna walk next to her… and he did just that… he walked next to her all the way… wonderful….

then at the restaurant, i seriously thought that he would sit next to me.. but no, he went to sit next to her… wat the fuck… and he chose to sit so close to her, it’s disgusting…. i wonder if their legs did touch during the makan….. and after makan, can see his hand was always at the bottom… i wonder if he was touching her legs like how he normally do to me…..it was so sad… he was so close to her, always answering her conversation… always talking to one another…

it felt like they were the couple…. i wonder what has happened to us…. just because of the big boobs and i was pushed aside? what has become of the morality, his so called love for me…? has it all gone, just because?

oh man… another latest… she just popped her head in, to ask about work… i could see him from the corner of my eyes, like expecting her to talk to him… wat does he want from him? even during the walk, he kept on looking at her when they were talking, he has never done that to me… and she’s like always calling him to confirm even the tiniest things and they always can talk so much, and he will always be laughing and happy when she calls….

he’s behaving exactly like how it was when he was so shy with me, 6 years ago…. he was like trying so hard to impress me tat time, and tat’s exactly wat he’s doing right now….y is he trying to impress her if he’s not up to anything?do friend’s need to impress one another?y is tat wat he does are contradicting to what he tells me? is he up to something? bastard fucker…